Inquiry: I'm not worth it*

*note: it being lots of things. Mostly, friends and attention/love.
another note: this is inquiry, you put down a thought that comes into your head that is negative and you question it and try to change your thought. thework.com

Thought: I’m not worth it.
1. Is it true? Yes.

2. Can you be absolutely sure that it is true? No.

3. How do you react what happens when you believe that thought?
a. emotions: useless, inept, helpless, alone, worried, depressed, jealous, self-conscience, pained, embarrassed.
b. Does the thought create peace or stress in your life? stress
c. what images of past and future come into your head when you think that thought?
people ditching me, not inviting me, being alone.
d. addictions: pushing people away, computer.
e. physical sensations: idk. heavy. stressed.
f. How do you treat others when you believe this thought? Not very well.
g. How do you treat yourself? Terribly.

4. Who would you be without that thought?
less inhibited, lighter, not lonely

TURN AROUND:
Believing I’m not worth it… isn’t worth it.
Examples:
1. It just alienates me and is basically what is making me so alone and feeling so separate from everyone else.
2. It’s others business whether they like me or not; I should just be myself and accept that.
3. It causes stress in my life.
4. It just inhibits me from being free and that’s not worth it.

Turn around #2
I am worth it.
1. I’m creative, not the best artsy type but my art projects were pretty neat. :)
2. I’m funny!
3. I have a lot of love <3
4. I care.
5. I’m a daughter of God.
6. I’m brave. I have an anxiety issue and I still did both of my speeches.
7. I’m worthy even if someone doesn’t accept me.

So coming out of this inquiry I feel less “I’m not worthy” and more of “I’m worthy and loved a whole lot.” <3

School and stuff.

Art-A

Physics-A

History-B

Physics lab-A

Communication- A!

Political Science- A

5A's. 1B. :) Dean's List!

And my last history essay was 100%! [I went with against-- couldn't argue otherwise.]

This was a pretty hectic semester for me... At least I don't have 8 o'clock classes next semester! (I had them everyday!) Next year I won't be in a dorm. Which I think will be better... hopefully.

It's summer for me now. Hanging out at my sisters house. :) Look at my previous post to look at my projects for art!

My water color... and other projects.

This is some of what I did for my Elementary Ed art class:
My watercolor. I was super happy the morning after my first speech!

My aboriginal style painting:

Silhouette

7 Facts About me.

Thank you Janey. :) I finally got to doing this:
So this might be hard because I've listed things about me before...
1. I can bend both my thumbs underneath the pointer fingers knuckle. :P
2. I made A's on my speeches! Granted the second one was easier (because after crying during the first one I was offered a one-on-one type), but I feel so glad for doing both! I was so nervous both times, but in a way relaxed too. -you can read about my first speech in the post before this if you haven't.-
3. I don't like cheese. I'm asked every time at the sandwich place... "any cheese?" NO! white stringy/melty is the worst (no cheese isn't applicable to every circumstance... sometimes it's good like Mac and Cheese and sometimes pizza. Dominos-yes. Pizza Hut-NO. I used to be lactose intolerant and slightly still am)
4. I am told by many instructors that I am a good writer. I mean, essay wise. also, I have written a short-story. My communication teacher was impressed with how well organized and researched my speech outline was compared to others'.
5. I'm not great at watercolor... but I like to do it. I can post my watercolor up soon if you want! It was a quick in-class project.
6. My favorite class right now is oddly Communication. :)
7. I was stuck on 7 for a long time... thinking up things I've already written before... or things that aren't that unique like I like sleeping to I'm a procrastinator... when I finally decided to go with: In seventh grade, I "skipped" the last day with friends... really though I had a fever and should've just gone home! :P I was constantly sick during middle school! sheesh. everything from asthma. stomach problems, dizzy, headache... yep. definitely never got the "Perfect Attendance Award"

Okay. I finally did it. :)

A unique (to me) speech experience

So, I did my speech on social anxiety disorder… I started shaking, really freaking out, then I guess some words in there struck too hard—I started crying. Like almost the whole time. I made an example of how I experience S.A. by saying “speeches make me anxious”. I needed laughing to make things better. :P
So, with all those positives, “that was really good Emily.” or “brave”, or “amazing” “I couldn’t have done it in the same circumstances”… My favorite was the guy that sorta related- who had general anxiety disorder.
Worst and Best speech ever, combined! lol.
Thank goodness I have the option to just do the next speech in front of the teacher. YAY!

Mixed Feelings

This meeting today was good. I felt good and encouraged.
But the girl sitting beside me totally misunderstood Orthodoxy and said it was "dead religion".
I wanted to just *gah* scream! but I know, she might not read it but I'm going to write a blog post (on my other blog "for 'in real life' friends) about icons just to give some more clarity on the subject to her... 'cause I felt hurt and actually kinda panicky. :(
My religion isn't dead. >:( grrr.
I'm actually kinda annoyed already... too many "it's not religion it's a relationship" and unknowingly just bashing the way I go to church really. It hurts.

Dang. :|

Matthew 6:34
Therefore, don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own problems.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you sad, O my soul? And why do you trouble me? Hope in God, for I will give thanks to Him; my God is the salvation of my countenance. 

Today I felt like it was “point out how terrible Emily’s communication skills are” day.
I don’t want to go into details… just random class occurrences that I just couldn’t keep up with. Anyways—of course these days make me feel very inadequate, pathetic, hopeless… on a never ending loop of destruction. It’s great to be me, right?
That was minimized to a degree with a little prayer journaling and looking up of verses. I still, however, feel like this issue always comes up and I never really have a solution for it. I prayed for guidance for solutions and opportunities. I just really want some sort of opportunity. I’m most days alone-ish, have 16 school hours, and my problem directly conflicts with opportunities a lot of the time.  :( I’m overwhelmed! gahh!