Only Love Remains

This song helped me so much last night. :) It's awesome. I was praying-- the kind where you start crying... then I put this on. I feel healed today. Thank you, God. :)

Edit: (later that day...)

CHOOSING. <3

It’s great. It’s crazy when you finally realize that you can choose whether to have an anxiety meltdown or just think “stop”… and take care of yourself. There is no reason for me to torture myself… Sometimes I can’t think of stopping and sadly I just do what anxiety wants. freakout. bawl. have weird “what is reality?” moments. think nobody likes me and God’s made up. Sooo basically anxiety is pure evil—okay no anxiety sometimes is the necessary thing that tells you “hello danger, get out of the way of the fast car coming towards you.”

But evil uses anxiety against me.
To that I say *pbbttt*
You want me, but you can’t have me.
I’m going to get better. <3
I choose God, and I choose to take care of me.

Gratitude Journal July 23

I have been down lately. :( I have been feeling sad, fatigued, anxious. But there are things that have helped me get through it and I'm really thankful for that. <3

So I'm thankful for...

Nail polish. It's a fun distraction. Fun to put it on... fun to stare at randomly. :P

Coloring is also fun. :) I did this page a couple days ago and my sister told me my niece did the same picture the day before. This was fun. The way I colored the bowl made me wish I had that bowl... lol.

BEFORE

AFTER

I cleaned my room! Well most of it. :) The side of it that was beginning to resemble a hoarder's room. It seems now I have a bit of a dance floor over there. :P

Two things that helped me to not give in to anxiety at night:

Praying and this relaxation video... Both miracles and so helpful. :) I could have slipped on progress and had a terrible anxiety attack that I haven't had at night in so long. So thank you God and thank you hypnosis video. <3

Thanking God

"Thanking God" was trending on twitter so I decided to do another gratitude journal entry.

Thank you God for...

I have not suffered from late night scared-out-of-my-mind crying fits in at least a couple of years, I think. Thank You, God! To be free of that terror is such a blessing.

(When I think a fit is coming on I first try to calm down and say "Lord Have Mercy" loads of times if I need to.)

Thank You for...

Swimming. Summer. Silly underwater talking games and holding your breath.

Thank You also for....

How much I want to go to the Real Break trip to Guatemala! :) God help me to make my wish come true!!! I need like $1,200 and a little more (shots?, the airplane to the airplane maybe, ... other stuff.) SA better not get in the way... :(

Thank You for...

Not the pictured Elliptical... but the one that's my mom's.... 2 days ago I felt vague lethargy, anxiety, yadayada. and then I was like... Why do I let it go on like this is good for me? So I decided it might help to use the elliptical for 30 min. It did! It felt good.. I exercised and watched So You Think You Can Dance.

God, thank You for all You do for me. Thank You for this day. For this life. For my friends. For my community at college. For my family. Thank You most of all for your LOVE and MERCY. <3

Gratitude Journal: July 4th,2011

Janey asked what I'm grateful for at the end of her blog post so... I decided to make one!

I'm thankful for:

Thank you, Tiffany for this book you got me back when I won the drawing for it! I think it's awesome and having it has helped me start my journey and decide to commit to busting SA's butt. I've been exercising. Learning to relax... I've just started but I will go far! If any of you have any other recommendations for me, tell me! :)

I just hung out with my friend Saturday night and all day Sunday. I am so happy we hung out!

I got a Nook Color from my grandparents because of my good grades! :) I'm also glad they came over. This is the best visit ever because my dad didn't get all angry like he usually does when they are over. Thank you grandparents! :)

Okay not the seed kit named Janey that I found on the internet. :P But JaneyfromKorea! Janey you are awesome. Watching someone else take the initiative to start the recovery process has helped me choose to start as well! I'm so glad you have gone so far and I know you'll do even more things you never thought you could do! <3

I just love my Rosetta Stone! It makes me that much more interested in going to Guatemala over Spring Break on a mission trip. I really want to go!!!

Inquiry: I'm not worth it*

*note: it being lots of things. Mostly, friends and attention/love.
another note: this is inquiry, you put down a thought that comes into your head that is negative and you question it and try to change your thought. thework.com

Thought: I’m not worth it.
1. Is it true? Yes.

2. Can you be absolutely sure that it is true? No.

3. How do you react what happens when you believe that thought?
a. emotions: useless, inept, helpless, alone, worried, depressed, jealous, self-conscience, pained, embarrassed.
b. Does the thought create peace or stress in your life? stress
c. what images of past and future come into your head when you think that thought?
people ditching me, not inviting me, being alone.
d. addictions: pushing people away, computer.
e. physical sensations: idk. heavy. stressed.
f. How do you treat others when you believe this thought? Not very well.
g. How do you treat yourself? Terribly.

4. Who would you be without that thought?
less inhibited, lighter, not lonely

TURN AROUND:
Believing I’m not worth it… isn’t worth it.
Examples:
1. It just alienates me and is basically what is making me so alone and feeling so separate from everyone else.
2. It’s others business whether they like me or not; I should just be myself and accept that.
3. It causes stress in my life.
4. It just inhibits me from being free and that’s not worth it.

Turn around #2
I am worth it.
1. I’m creative, not the best artsy type but my art projects were pretty neat. :)
2. I’m funny!
3. I have a lot of love <3
4. I care.
5. I’m a daughter of God.
6. I’m brave. I have an anxiety issue and I still did both of my speeches.
7. I’m worthy even if someone doesn’t accept me.

So coming out of this inquiry I feel less “I’m not worthy” and more of “I’m worthy and loved a whole lot.” <3

School and stuff.

Art-A

Physics-A

History-B

Physics lab-A

Communication- A!

Political Science- A

5A's. 1B. :) Dean's List!

And my last history essay was 100%! [I went with against-- couldn't argue otherwise.]

This was a pretty hectic semester for me... At least I don't have 8 o'clock classes next semester! (I had them everyday!) Next year I won't be in a dorm. Which I think will be better... hopefully.

It's summer for me now. Hanging out at my sisters house. :) Look at my previous post to look at my projects for art!

My water color... and other projects.

This is some of what I did for my Elementary Ed art class:
My watercolor. I was super happy the morning after my first speech!

My aboriginal style painting:

Silhouette