Bloody Messes

Just a note: I am freshly hurt from something traumatizing (I think I could be strangled and beaten in a dark ally and still feel oddly unworthy of the word "traumatic"). I've shared what happened with two people, and I reserve the right to at this moment not tell people what happened. So, just saying: I'm not telling you.

Tonight I was thinking back on a "scar story" I told in Creative Drama:

When I was little, like 7 or so, I was at the park and I was chasing my sister because we were playing tag. I ran and was focusing my energy on being fast and catching her. But I wasn't looking down at all. There was a step down and I fell on my knee. It wasn't just a scraping-- it hurt bad and it was kinda gushing. Days following that I wouldn't bend it 'cause it hurt to bend. My family kinda made fun of me saying I was over doing it by limping and stuff. I went to the family practitioner type doctor and he said that I had to start bending it; it was bad to keep it still like that. So I did, first couple nights maybe like 3 times. Then it gradually got better. I still have a scar but my leg is fully functioning.

So, I was just hurt. In figurative terms, I'm still a bloody mess on the ground--perhaps gently gliding my hands to find support and soon start lifting. But when it comes to it, figuratively, when I get back up I need to face some of the fears that have arisen from this-- I need to bend my knee. Bending your knee is healing your hurt, it's getting back to life, it's facing hard things (like pain) but making yourself anew, recognizing the pain and putting yourself forward. I'm not too ready for knee bending, again still on the ground. But I feel hopeful of that time.

If you feel hurt, I encourage you to gently glide your hands and get support to start your journey. Then I really hope you don't leave your leg all straight and messed up. Please don't accommodate/bury the pain of your "knee" with drinking, dieting poorly (both ways), too much sleep, addictive behavior, isolating yourself, risky behavior. Because you'll keep it "straight" and unhealed that way. Bend it. It's going to hurt (maybe like crazy) but it's the BEST thing for you.

Right now I'm just going to accept that I'm not okay. Okay? I'm going to let all the emotions flow. The good, the bad, and the down right ugly. I'm going to keep going. Understanding myself and pushing myself. Finding the balance....

 Please pray for me. For healing, strength, wisdom, little joys...

Thank you