Where am I?

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am exactly with Social Anxiety. Or What I need to do.
Or what to focus on in therapy.
I'm really feeling lost.
I know I need to control my feelings pre-period!! I'm really terrible sometimes.
I'm not as down as I was.
But I want to get better than this.
I'm not depressed-- but I DO need improvement in my life.
I want to be involved in other people's life for a change. -_-

Best visit ever!

I just had a... well just meaning like Thursday and today is Sunday almost Monday... anyways... I had wonderful meeting THURSDAY with my counselor/psychologist. It's been forever since she's seen me so the change caused by the medication was very apparent. I was excited to see her because I knew I'd be a lot different! And I was loads different. I was talking, and it was fabulous. :)
We had a good visit where I shared a letter I had written to my dad. A sad letter that made me cry because it's so-- hard. It's difficult that I think he won't ever try to get better so he could stop getting into so many anger outbursts. :( I also expressed my worry about my sister... who seems like me anxiety wise... and she's being bullied a little for her shyness. It was so helpful that I went. It cheered me up so much that she noticed how (well duh because it was pretty obvious) how I changed. I WAS TALKING.
I have a new interest in ASL. I learned only a few words.... but maybe my sister and I can learn. :) That'd be cool!

KONY "The Worst" 2012

FIGHT KONY=MAKE HIM FAMOUS. LET AMERICA AND WHEREVER YOU ARE KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T OKAY WITH KONY KIDNAPPING, HURTING, RAPING, ETC. YOUNG CHILDREN.

Thankful For...

-Friends! (not the show... the real people that I know.... lol)
-That my random bald spot is because I scratched too much NOT because I'm balding.
-Hunger Games (read the first book on the second)
-sock monkey. He's gorgeous.
-My technology...  :)
-Cinnamon candle!
-headband (to cover up bald spot)
-medication (because I feel good instead of *AHHHHH!*)
-stickers.
- my ear was in pain last week and it isn't anymore.
-pandora (My Adele station specifically.)/ Oldies yah!
-awesome classes.
-hope
-helpers.
-my niece is in (and her parents) the same state as meeee!
-I'm so loved.... and I understand it more now!!! :)
-I was about to write awesome classes again...
-going to the park/river friday.
-going to have a lovely weekend.... a healing weekend.
- time after class to sleep... yeah. I <3 naps.
-my mom <3
-my sisters
-my crazy brothers.
-my tub... I need a plug for it!
-I got new slippers recently they are the bomb.
-pinterest... lol.
-un pez, dos peces, pez rojo, pez azul (Spanish version of one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.)

-I need to thank God for all these blessings! Thank You, God. It's been a good semester so far. I'm so thankful for all I have. I'm so thankful that You are with me. I am not alone and Your grace is enough!

psychiatrist

Was awesome. :) I loved her accent. lol.
I am prescribed Prozac.
diagnosis:
Social phobia
PTSD
and Anxiety Disorder NOS

Nervous. I hope I have minimal side-effects. going to get it filled tomorrow.

Getting help

I'm currently going to the counseling center. I'm glad. I may have stared at the floor while I was talking (and sometimes not talking) but I'm glad. I'm also seeing a psychiatrist on Nov 7. Yep. I'm going to have to run to class when the appointment is over though.
And I called the counseling center flawlessly today. Little miss partially telephonophobic called an office today without hesitation. :)

Bloody Messes

Just a note: I am freshly hurt from something traumatizing (I think I could be strangled and beaten in a dark ally and still feel oddly unworthy of the word "traumatic"). I've shared what happened with two people, and I reserve the right to at this moment not tell people what happened. So, just saying: I'm not telling you.

Tonight I was thinking back on a "scar story" I told in Creative Drama:

When I was little, like 7 or so, I was at the park and I was chasing my sister because we were playing tag. I ran and was focusing my energy on being fast and catching her. But I wasn't looking down at all. There was a step down and I fell on my knee. It wasn't just a scraping-- it hurt bad and it was kinda gushing. Days following that I wouldn't bend it 'cause it hurt to bend. My family kinda made fun of me saying I was over doing it by limping and stuff. I went to the family practitioner type doctor and he said that I had to start bending it; it was bad to keep it still like that. So I did, first couple nights maybe like 3 times. Then it gradually got better. I still have a scar but my leg is fully functioning.

So, I was just hurt. In figurative terms, I'm still a bloody mess on the ground--perhaps gently gliding my hands to find support and soon start lifting. But when it comes to it, figuratively, when I get back up I need to face some of the fears that have arisen from this-- I need to bend my knee. Bending your knee is healing your hurt, it's getting back to life, it's facing hard things (like pain) but making yourself anew, recognizing the pain and putting yourself forward. I'm not too ready for knee bending, again still on the ground. But I feel hopeful of that time.

If you feel hurt, I encourage you to gently glide your hands and get support to start your journey. Then I really hope you don't leave your leg all straight and messed up. Please don't accommodate/bury the pain of your "knee" with drinking, dieting poorly (both ways), too much sleep, addictive behavior, isolating yourself, risky behavior. Because you'll keep it "straight" and unhealed that way. Bend it. It's going to hurt (maybe like crazy) but it's the BEST thing for you.

Right now I'm just going to accept that I'm not okay. Okay? I'm going to let all the emotions flow. The good, the bad, and the down right ugly. I'm going to keep going. Understanding myself and pushing myself. Finding the balance....

 Please pray for me. For healing, strength, wisdom, little joys...

Thank you