The Work: Noticing me.

Thought: I want more people to notice me.

1. Is it true?
Yes

2. Can you absolutely know that its true; "I want more people to notice me"?
No

3. How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?
I feel: lonely, useless, stupid, uncared for, lost, scared, hopeless...
I think of: pyschs not helping, friends ignoring me, people not
caring what I have to say.
addictions: obsessively checking if they "noticed me" on blogs,
can't get off the computer.
act to others: I disregard when they do notice me because they are just
one person. Or I overly notice... (obsessive rereading).
when did you first begin thinking this thought: probably 4th or before...
When I noticed that I couldn't/wouldn't speak in certain circumstances. Felt friendless. :\

4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would act as myself and not act only in dire attempt to get people to notice me.I would be peaceful. I would feel light. appreciative. attentive. more loving.Less self-absorbed--more outwardly thinking. I'd realize people do NOTICE me.

Turn the thought around: I want to notice others.
Examples on how that's true:
1. It's fun to know the details of others lives
2. In order to give them advice
3. In order to show them that I love them
4. In order to learn something myself

Turn it around: I want to notice my "bad" thoughts.
1. In order to catch them before they grow.
2. In order to use inquiry to check their legitimacy
3. In order to share my inquiry with others and help them.

Turn it around: I don't want to be noticed by more people.
1. I want God to be whom people seek. Not me.
2. I'd rather be loved.
3. I don't NEED more anything. Thankful for friends I already have. <3
4. I'd rather people behave as they are. Not notice me when they aren't meant to.

You are so.. beautiful to me! (post-it)

All of them are written and posted in a bathroom by me over time, the first one is inspired by http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHeyXfN4AMQ

Reunited and it Feels so Good

I wrote this November 17 on a different blog... I just think it was one of my better posts so I should share it here, too:
So a lovely girl named Angela helped me retrieve my Bible. Thank you.
sadly, now I can’t find my keys (or rather, key). this is a bother. :( I checked the library and they didn’t have it. Did I possibly leave it in your class?
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
9 And He said to me “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weekness” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecution, in distresses for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

A very great gift that God gives you is your weakness. It’s what keeps us from puffing up, prideful, and is the means of the power of Christ remaining in you.

Which made me think, (I have thought of this before though) maybe if I was NOT shy, I might have gotten friends (too many and the wrong kind) and got lost from God . Without this shyness I might not relate to some people who also hurt. I might not care to help at all. I might not feel the same huge feeling of “I totally want to hug you!” Or I might be the goody-goody type that is deluded into their own prideful awesomeness and nobody really likes…< because they think they’re better than everyone
So with shyness, or with whatever hardship I suffer, it means God’s still with me, and I might realize that Jesus loves me— whatever I’m losing doesn’t matter… His grace is enough for me. and duh, whatever suffering and pressures I feel here will go away if I end up in that place of ETERNAL HAPPINESS. :)

Nightmare

I had a nightmare of my dad coming in my face and screaming at me. Sucks. It took focusing on a halls cough drop, abdominal breathing, and praying to get me to relax. Though, that was pretty cool. I love when I take care of myself and go into "mommy" mode.

V

is the best ever. lol.

still crazy

Oh.
I'm absolutely insane.
Let me say random extreme things, I'm not feeling well.
I find them funny so it helps.
Gah, test anxiety? what is this crap. :(
Enya... (it's on my Pandora at the moment...hmm..)
Enya isn't really extreme... somewhat random though.
>:( grr...
*punches things in imagination*
Okay, this is just nonsense venting...
I'm going to pwn you, tomorrow, Brit Lit test!

FreedomFromSA

Thank you! :) YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG!!
I hope you have a fabulous day. :)
I think you should watch this (and anyone else should too):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C2o0jHNRuU

Well, today...

I posted AND had my camera to take a picture^
I had chicken noodle soup for breakfast. :) courtesy of my friend who gave me sick supplies yesterday
I didn't throw up a Poptart (I did yesterday...).
Had a sandwich for lunch (didn't eat lunch yesterday...)
I actually won 1 round (out of the 3 rounds--badminton) today! My first win. lol.
Went to all my classes...
That's about it... Crazy day huh? :P

Pumpkin Pancakes

I was crying Saturday night. I had a "shit why do I have to be so hopeless/helpless and anxious" cry fest. I told my friend I was crying. She drove all the way to my house with another friend... and took me to a diner in the city. Before that I watched Dane Cook's "Crying". :P So didn't really discuss much, my brain goes sloooww when I'm tired and had just cried. But we had pumpkin pancakes, biscuits and gravy with sausage--At 5 in the morning. None of us had slept before this. Sang on the way home. Got back when it was 7 just about 45 min before I was supposed to be woken up. But I didn't. I stayed in bed.

Prayer for Veronica

God, surround Veronica with Thy holy angels and protect her tonight from all evil thoughts that cloud and torment her mind. I pray that she can get sleep, nice peaceful sleep that helps her feel ready to open up to You. I pray that the thoughts that tell her she can't get passed this & that she is ugly, vanish and are replaced by thoughts of Your love for her. For Your love is sufficient, Your grace is enough. Let her know Thy glory and in return she shall shout it from on high. You are Holy, Mighty, and Great! Keep her in Your arms tonight and let her be at peace. *heart*
--Just wanted to post this so I could reference it again... and didn't have to get out a pen.

Belonging.

This week I feel like for a tiny little bit, I let go of the belief that "I just don't belong." I belong!!! Gosh darn it! I belong as your friend, I belong if I don't say ANYTHING, I belong if I say something. I belong if I say something "stupid". I belong if I say something smart. I BELONG, because I just do! No one is really getting in the way of me belonging, except ME! O_O

caffeine and roommate

Caffeine has made me go loco quite a few times recently. I was very nervous (and usually I don't care that much) about going to lunch and ordering a sandwich pretty recently. Another time after I had caffeine, I got so anxious and down that I cried.
Very frustrating and I'm glad this weekend my parents--so far-- have not asked about it: I still cannot bring myself to say much or anything to my roommate. Which makes me pretty awful to myself whenever I think about it. She's not making too much of an effort either... but crap. GAHHH!

9/11 church destroyed

St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church was destroyed on September 11, 2001 as a result of the terrorist attacks. It still has yet to be rebuilt--it doesn't even look like it's getting rebuilt. It just looks "like a hole in the ground." The government and the church had an agreement that rebuilding would be a priority. It should be built! Also, more people should know about it!
So I decided to post this-- so at least you would know.

Love it

Really love this:
http://amyoscar.com/authenticity/i-dare-you-to-shine/

I also love the cleaning person who didn't take down my Operation Beautiful post-it.
It said: Hey there, beautiful. SMILE and have a great day!
I drew a sun. I don't have a camera (lost at the moment)... so no pic. :(

Shaking

when people are talking to me... awkward. Though, gladly she was at the other sinks not looking my way (unless she saw me in the mirror--unlikely). I hope she keeps talking to me... at least keeps up with the 'good night' as she leaves. :\
On another subj/person: I feel guilty. They really shouldn't give me roommates... I have this power to make them NOT TALK--don't control this power, don't want it-- but it happens, all the time. Yeah, I know that I don't talk, either. Don't need to be told the obvious.
There goes fear again. Controlling me and taking me down.

Buildings

and offices. I hate going into them if I haven't done it loads of times already. GAH. My mom left blank what should have been zero's on a financial aid paper... so I have to go do it. :( No fun.

If you really knew me....

If you really knew me
(great show on mtv... made me feel sooo relaxed somehow... anyways.)

If you really knew me....

you'd know that I avoid social situations everyday because they're uncomfortable/scary/nerve racking/ANT triggers.

you'd know that I hated moving schools. but I also hated being (pretty much) a loner at the previous school.

you'd know that I think people don't want me to comment/message/email them.

you'd know that I don't often say thank you to people opening doors for me, you'd also know why (refer to first one)

you'd know that I think people don't really want me going over and hanging out with them

you'd know that I think I'm a waste of people's time

you'd know that I'm afraid of people knowing what's inside because they'd make fun of me... or not understand and shrug it off.

you'd know that I like my switchfoot channel on pandora... and my beethoven one.

you'd know that I really want to be close to my new roommate this semester, but I'm crazy afraid she won't bother with me... and I'll be too afraid to bother either.

you'd know that presentations scare the crap out of me... and I think I sound like a freaking idiot when I do them.

you'd know that I was so happy to have a dinner with friends on wednesdays... and a bit disappointed (but I get it.) when school/responsibilities (of others) deteriorated those plans.

you'd know that I'm scared I'll be socially anxious forever.

you'd know that I like to write but don't always have ideas... or like the ideas.

you'd know that I like to swim.. haha. who doesn't? (rhetorical question's answer: phobics and those who just don't know how +other reasons)

You'd know how funny I am... and how self conscious I get when I think I'm over doing it.

you'd know that right as I'm writing this... I do not know how to drive...

you'd know when I want to go into a room I've never been in before I try to wait until other people walk through the door first.

OR I nervously go to the entrance... but walk past it (no one is walking in) until I let myself just gooo in.

OR I go to it... but turn right around and don't bother to go in.

you'd know that my first best friend later told me we "weren't best friends!"

I first noticed how scared I was to talk when my friend got a new best friend and all of the sudden I wasn't talking... just laughing...

you'd know I watched all of the "lost" seasons. I wish mr. eko didn't dieee so early in us getting to know him.

you'd know that I'm getting self-conscious about the length of this.

you'd know the one^ made me laugh.

You'd know that I sometimes think I look ugly, but not always.

You'd know that I really like PURPLE. and have many purple shirts.

You'd know that like when it rains but when the lightning comes I'm sad- I can't go outside. :( [I like going outside when it rains]

You'd know I both hate it and like it when people say "I like how quiet you are"

You'd know I have so much fun going into epiphany mode.

anndd I have so much sorrow when negative thoughts tear epiphany mode to shreds.

You'd know that I'm really feeling good right now, and will maybe continue this another time.

Continued a little
You'd know I cried last night on the floor thinking how useless I am...

Frustration

Having nothing to do is making me crazy. I have a funny patience. I'll get really frustrated and lose my patience, but it will be almost time for the wait to be over... It's almost school time.. the 25th and I'm angry now. I'm exhausted now. I'm feeling alone.... Very isolated. :( crying.

Today in 6 Words

New jeans but my legs ACHE!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

Men are wonderful, too. :)

Soothing music and freakouts.

Well, I got to thinking of a friend... I got stuck on my usual thought. That friends only want to be friends with me to have some sort of charity work. Okay, Is that true, and if that's true is it bad? Is it bad? That someone wants to help someone? No. The desire to help someone shouldn't be stigmatized. Anyways, is it true? No. Because they tend to say I'm funny once I get comfortable with someone. That they're getting more out of it than I'm giving myself credit for. That I'm a good friend. mostly. :) I'm not a burden. Dude, I've so done "The Work" on this. I should probably reread. :P
So, I think my freakout was totally mellowed out by my "soothing waters" pandora station. It could've gone farther. I could've started crying. Seriously. My head just needs to calm down a bit more though.

The Other People

I'm tired of talking to people that don't have my problem about my problem. I know in some way they could understand. sortaaa. Because people get nervous around new people just like I do. But they don't have that story "I just can't meet someone and expect to not be nervous" or "I get so nervous it's impossible to speak!"(<--and if I try when I get to that point I'll just sound like an idiot.) They just say stuff like "just do it. you'll be fine. you won't be nervous." What I don't tell most of them is that I didn't really speak at all to my roommates (I had two in one year-first one switched out jan and I had a foriegn e.s.). I was afraid to say the words "can I turn off the light?" Or "could you please turn off your tv?" Or.. "you wanna play a game?" and other shenanigans I do. Avoidance is my middle name, because I don't want to feel that anxiety.

It's just hard. GAHH. I can't (hahaha :P) articulate how I feel when I want to.

If I could write a letter to me...

Dear self,

I'm so sorry.

When you got picked on, I took that pain and made it HUGE. What was just kind of juvenile behavior from peers, I turned into vicious hatred. I have been messing with your reality. It is not okay. Taunting like "Mop-head" got turned into "you are ugly and you'll always be that way." When your dad gets angry and fuming, I put that impression of hatred in your head. I have with your sister, too.

No matter what they said, or I said through them, or I said to you- that hatred that you sense isn't really there. It's just me letting anxiety in.

All of the thoughts anxiety feeds you are lies. Here is the truth: You ARE worth it. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are a joy to be around. You are fabulous just the way you are. Don't let anxiety convince you otherwise ever again. Allow yourself to be you!

I want you to stop holding on to it! Put this 500 lb weight of anxiety you've been carrying down. It is truly what is ugly, stupid, horrid, and completely not worth it. Anxiety is unpleasant to be around and not funny.

Without anxiety- you'll be okay. Without anxiety there is more room for truth, happiness, peace, and love. Much better company than anxiety has been to you, and could ever be to you.

Sincerely,

:) Me/you.

moody...

I am not manic depressive... but...
I have these days where I feel sooo positive and like nothing can touch me... just feel like I'm in epiphany mode... and usually the very next day I feel absolutely horrible and like all the "stupid" ideas I had the previous day suck. Nothing's going to change, why even bother thinking about it.
There's also inbetweensy me. Which is right now. -- I guess it's my "normal" side. ha.
It's stressful to go through different me's though. I'd like to have a firmer grasp at who I am.
Enough mood swings, pleasee.