psychiatrist

Was awesome. :) I loved her accent. lol.
I am prescribed Prozac.
diagnosis:
Social phobia
PTSD
and Anxiety Disorder NOS

Nervous. I hope I have minimal side-effects. going to get it filled tomorrow.

Getting help

I'm currently going to the counseling center. I'm glad. I may have stared at the floor while I was talking (and sometimes not talking) but I'm glad. I'm also seeing a psychiatrist on Nov 7. Yep. I'm going to have to run to class when the appointment is over though.
And I called the counseling center flawlessly today. Little miss partially telephonophobic called an office today without hesitation. :)

Bloody Messes

Just a note: I am freshly hurt from something traumatizing (I think I could be strangled and beaten in a dark ally and still feel oddly unworthy of the word "traumatic"). I've shared what happened with two people, and I reserve the right to at this moment not tell people what happened. So, just saying: I'm not telling you.

Tonight I was thinking back on a "scar story" I told in Creative Drama:

When I was little, like 7 or so, I was at the park and I was chasing my sister because we were playing tag. I ran and was focusing my energy on being fast and catching her. But I wasn't looking down at all. There was a step down and I fell on my knee. It wasn't just a scraping-- it hurt bad and it was kinda gushing. Days following that I wouldn't bend it 'cause it hurt to bend. My family kinda made fun of me saying I was over doing it by limping and stuff. I went to the family practitioner type doctor and he said that I had to start bending it; it was bad to keep it still like that. So I did, first couple nights maybe like 3 times. Then it gradually got better. I still have a scar but my leg is fully functioning.

So, I was just hurt. In figurative terms, I'm still a bloody mess on the ground--perhaps gently gliding my hands to find support and soon start lifting. But when it comes to it, figuratively, when I get back up I need to face some of the fears that have arisen from this-- I need to bend my knee. Bending your knee is healing your hurt, it's getting back to life, it's facing hard things (like pain) but making yourself anew, recognizing the pain and putting yourself forward. I'm not too ready for knee bending, again still on the ground. But I feel hopeful of that time.

If you feel hurt, I encourage you to gently glide your hands and get support to start your journey. Then I really hope you don't leave your leg all straight and messed up. Please don't accommodate/bury the pain of your "knee" with drinking, dieting poorly (both ways), too much sleep, addictive behavior, isolating yourself, risky behavior. Because you'll keep it "straight" and unhealed that way. Bend it. It's going to hurt (maybe like crazy) but it's the BEST thing for you.

Right now I'm just going to accept that I'm not okay. Okay? I'm going to let all the emotions flow. The good, the bad, and the down right ugly. I'm going to keep going. Understanding myself and pushing myself. Finding the balance....

 Please pray for me. For healing, strength, wisdom, little joys...

Thank you

Thankfulness.

I'm thankful...
-For an apartment and not a dorm!
-For an apartment-mate that cooks tasty meals sometimes for me (real Chinese, legit stuff)
-For healthier choices (No more Panda Express, lol!)
-For fun classes! Favorite= Creative Drama. We play lots of games... :)
-For the possibility, though I may not be in any type of treatment/whatnot, that I could get better.
-Because my dad got me a hula hoop last weekend (the kind with water in it that makes it easier)
-Because I have a computer and can blog.
-Because despite my negative beliefs- I belong in each of my classes, dangit!
-Because youtube had the movie I wanted to watch. :P
-For the opportunities I have.
-For the people that read this silly/not always updated blog.
-Because that train that goes "chooo choo" at night--- doesn't bother me.
-Because TV dinners can be cooked in the oven if your microwave is broken.
-For my "miracle friends" (those random people you have this ability to freely talk to).
-For my story that I made up when I was young. (makes remembering it easier for my storytelling project).
-Because of Jesus; even  though I do a whole lot of bad-- you forgive me and you DIED for me.
-For fingernail polish that gets complimented on even though its been chipped for days.

SHARING my first lesson plan

Grade level: Kindergarten

The Sharing Song (Excerpt)

By Melissa Verhoff

(To the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat)

It’s always more fun
To share with everyone

Toys, goodies and cookies

Let’s share till the day is done

School is the perfect place

To share with all your pals

Lunch, recess, free time

Share in those places, you shall

                                               

Source: http://www.uwosh.edu/faculty_staff/lethco/pbsongs_s06t.pdf

Social Skills Objective:
Students will learn what sharing is and learn to share with others.

Music Objective
The student will demonstrate tempo changes by singing a song in a slow tempo and again in a faster tempo. The student will understand the difference between slow and fast tempos.

Materials
Sharing, cookies, goodies, and toys posters; each student brings a toy to class; bowls and 3D glasses without lenses (optional).

Procedure

Anticipatory Set
Show the short video “Sharing” by notebookbabies (source:http://www.youtube.com/user/notebookbabies#p/u/4/fmR-BBj3U1M). The boy likes his toy robot so much that he does not want to let others play with it. When he doesn’t share, the robot addresses his worries about sharing and encourages the boy to share. When he finally shares with another boy, the other boy goes and grabs his toy robot to share.

Have students face their chairs to the projector. If you want to add to the experience you could put them in role as movie theatergoers. Give them bowls to pretend to eat popcorn from, and 3D glasses without lenses.  Encourage them to stay quiet (and not to chew too loudly on their pretend popcorn!) so they can listen to the “movie.”

State the Objectives
The teacher will tell the students that they will be learning about sharing and they will learn to share with their classmates. Also, students will experience singing at different speeds.

Teacher Input
The teacher will list the examples of things you could share that are in the piggyback song. The teacher will also explain that sharing is letting others play with your toys or eat some of your snacks and show them a poster with the word “sharing” above a picture of child sharing their toy with another child.  Tell them its okay to have your turn with your toy but to share you give others turns if they ask. Tell them, if they are worried about them breaking their toy, to politely tell others to be gentle with your toy because you like it a lot. Tell them to share goodies and cookies, they don’t have to give them your entire treat, just give a portion of what they have.  Also, it’s important to say “thank you” if someone shares with you. 

Teacher will also explain how songs can be sung fast or slowly. Speed in music is called tempo.

Modeling
The teacher will sing “The Sharing Song” and show the steady beat by moving his or her arms back and forth in front of him or her. Encourage them to mirror you. He or she will first sing at a slow tempo, and then at a faster tempo. After the first time it is sung, he or she will point to their “sharing,” “toys,” “goodies,” and “cookies” posters at the appropriate times. He or she will teach the song to the students by rote.

Check for Understanding
Sing a song and ask them to describe your tempo. Have them put one finger under their chin for “slow” and two fingers under their chin for “fast.”

Guided Practice
The class will sing “The Sharing Song” together. They will also demonstrate the tempo of the song by how fast their hands move back and forth. Encourage them to sing at faster tempos by saying “faster tempo.”

Independent Performance
Students will be separated into small groups. They will share the toy they brought with their group members one at a time by passing it around. Encourage them to say, “thank you” and “you are welcome.”

Review/Closure
Students will sing the song again. Have the students sing the song faster and faster.

Visual Aid(s): Posters
Sharing poster, a goodies poster (with healthy snacks), toys poster, and a cookies poster.

 to view other posters (click): Toys poster, Goodies poster, Cookies poster

Only Love Remains

This song helped me so much last night. :) It's awesome. I was praying-- the kind where you start crying... then I put this on. I feel healed today. Thank you, God. :)

Edit: (later that day...)

CHOOSING. <3

It’s great. It’s crazy when you finally realize that you can choose whether to have an anxiety meltdown or just think “stop”… and take care of yourself. There is no reason for me to torture myself… Sometimes I can’t think of stopping and sadly I just do what anxiety wants. freakout. bawl. have weird “what is reality?” moments. think nobody likes me and God’s made up. Sooo basically anxiety is pure evil—okay no anxiety sometimes is the necessary thing that tells you “hello danger, get out of the way of the fast car coming towards you.”

But evil uses anxiety against me.
To that I say *pbbttt*
You want me, but you can’t have me.
I’m going to get better. <3
I choose God, and I choose to take care of me.

Gratitude Journal July 23

I have been down lately. :( I have been feeling sad, fatigued, anxious. But there are things that have helped me get through it and I'm really thankful for that. <3

So I'm thankful for...

Nail polish. It's a fun distraction. Fun to put it on... fun to stare at randomly. :P

Coloring is also fun. :) I did this page a couple days ago and my sister told me my niece did the same picture the day before. This was fun. The way I colored the bowl made me wish I had that bowl... lol.

BEFORE

AFTER

I cleaned my room! Well most of it. :) The side of it that was beginning to resemble a hoarder's room. It seems now I have a bit of a dance floor over there. :P

Two things that helped me to not give in to anxiety at night:

Praying and this relaxation video... Both miracles and so helpful. :) I could have slipped on progress and had a terrible anxiety attack that I haven't had at night in so long. So thank you God and thank you hypnosis video. <3

Thanking God

"Thanking God" was trending on twitter so I decided to do another gratitude journal entry.

Thank you God for...

I have not suffered from late night scared-out-of-my-mind crying fits in at least a couple of years, I think. Thank You, God! To be free of that terror is such a blessing.

(When I think a fit is coming on I first try to calm down and say "Lord Have Mercy" loads of times if I need to.)

Thank You for...

Swimming. Summer. Silly underwater talking games and holding your breath.

Thank You also for....

How much I want to go to the Real Break trip to Guatemala! :) God help me to make my wish come true!!! I need like $1,200 and a little more (shots?, the airplane to the airplane maybe, ... other stuff.) SA better not get in the way... :(

Thank You for...

Not the pictured Elliptical... but the one that's my mom's.... 2 days ago I felt vague lethargy, anxiety, yadayada. and then I was like... Why do I let it go on like this is good for me? So I decided it might help to use the elliptical for 30 min. It did! It felt good.. I exercised and watched So You Think You Can Dance.

God, thank You for all You do for me. Thank You for this day. For this life. For my friends. For my community at college. For my family. Thank You most of all for your LOVE and MERCY. <3

Gratitude Journal: July 4th,2011

Janey asked what I'm grateful for at the end of her blog post so... I decided to make one!

I'm thankful for:

Thank you, Tiffany for this book you got me back when I won the drawing for it! I think it's awesome and having it has helped me start my journey and decide to commit to busting SA's butt. I've been exercising. Learning to relax... I've just started but I will go far! If any of you have any other recommendations for me, tell me! :)

I just hung out with my friend Saturday night and all day Sunday. I am so happy we hung out!

I got a Nook Color from my grandparents because of my good grades! :) I'm also glad they came over. This is the best visit ever because my dad didn't get all angry like he usually does when they are over. Thank you grandparents! :)

Okay not the seed kit named Janey that I found on the internet. :P But JaneyfromKorea! Janey you are awesome. Watching someone else take the initiative to start the recovery process has helped me choose to start as well! I'm so glad you have gone so far and I know you'll do even more things you never thought you could do! <3

I just love my Rosetta Stone! It makes me that much more interested in going to Guatemala over Spring Break on a mission trip. I really want to go!!!

Inquiry: I'm not worth it*

*note: it being lots of things. Mostly, friends and attention/love.
another note: this is inquiry, you put down a thought that comes into your head that is negative and you question it and try to change your thought. thework.com

Thought: I’m not worth it.
1. Is it true? Yes.

2. Can you be absolutely sure that it is true? No.

3. How do you react what happens when you believe that thought?
a. emotions: useless, inept, helpless, alone, worried, depressed, jealous, self-conscience, pained, embarrassed.
b. Does the thought create peace or stress in your life? stress
c. what images of past and future come into your head when you think that thought?
people ditching me, not inviting me, being alone.
d. addictions: pushing people away, computer.
e. physical sensations: idk. heavy. stressed.
f. How do you treat others when you believe this thought? Not very well.
g. How do you treat yourself? Terribly.

4. Who would you be without that thought?
less inhibited, lighter, not lonely

TURN AROUND:
Believing I’m not worth it… isn’t worth it.
Examples:
1. It just alienates me and is basically what is making me so alone and feeling so separate from everyone else.
2. It’s others business whether they like me or not; I should just be myself and accept that.
3. It causes stress in my life.
4. It just inhibits me from being free and that’s not worth it.

Turn around #2
I am worth it.
1. I’m creative, not the best artsy type but my art projects were pretty neat. :)
2. I’m funny!
3. I have a lot of love <3
4. I care.
5. I’m a daughter of God.
6. I’m brave. I have an anxiety issue and I still did both of my speeches.
7. I’m worthy even if someone doesn’t accept me.

So coming out of this inquiry I feel less “I’m not worthy” and more of “I’m worthy and loved a whole lot.” <3

School and stuff.

Art-A

Physics-A

History-B

Physics lab-A

Communication- A!

Political Science- A

5A's. 1B. :) Dean's List!

And my last history essay was 100%! [I went with against-- couldn't argue otherwise.]

This was a pretty hectic semester for me... At least I don't have 8 o'clock classes next semester! (I had them everyday!) Next year I won't be in a dorm. Which I think will be better... hopefully.

It's summer for me now. Hanging out at my sisters house. :) Look at my previous post to look at my projects for art!

My water color... and other projects.

This is some of what I did for my Elementary Ed art class:
My watercolor. I was super happy the morning after my first speech!

My aboriginal style painting:

Silhouette

7 Facts About me.

Thank you Janey. :) I finally got to doing this:
So this might be hard because I've listed things about me before...
1. I can bend both my thumbs underneath the pointer fingers knuckle. :P
2. I made A's on my speeches! Granted the second one was easier (because after crying during the first one I was offered a one-on-one type), but I feel so glad for doing both! I was so nervous both times, but in a way relaxed too. -you can read about my first speech in the post before this if you haven't.-
3. I don't like cheese. I'm asked every time at the sandwich place... "any cheese?" NO! white stringy/melty is the worst (no cheese isn't applicable to every circumstance... sometimes it's good like Mac and Cheese and sometimes pizza. Dominos-yes. Pizza Hut-NO. I used to be lactose intolerant and slightly still am)
4. I am told by many instructors that I am a good writer. I mean, essay wise. also, I have written a short-story. My communication teacher was impressed with how well organized and researched my speech outline was compared to others'.
5. I'm not great at watercolor... but I like to do it. I can post my watercolor up soon if you want! It was a quick in-class project.
6. My favorite class right now is oddly Communication. :)
7. I was stuck on 7 for a long time... thinking up things I've already written before... or things that aren't that unique like I like sleeping to I'm a procrastinator... when I finally decided to go with: In seventh grade, I "skipped" the last day with friends... really though I had a fever and should've just gone home! :P I was constantly sick during middle school! sheesh. everything from asthma. stomach problems, dizzy, headache... yep. definitely never got the "Perfect Attendance Award"

Okay. I finally did it. :)

A unique (to me) speech experience

So, I did my speech on social anxiety disorder… I started shaking, really freaking out, then I guess some words in there struck too hard—I started crying. Like almost the whole time. I made an example of how I experience S.A. by saying “speeches make me anxious”. I needed laughing to make things better. :P
So, with all those positives, “that was really good Emily.” or “brave”, or “amazing” “I couldn’t have done it in the same circumstances”… My favorite was the guy that sorta related- who had general anxiety disorder.
Worst and Best speech ever, combined! lol.
Thank goodness I have the option to just do the next speech in front of the teacher. YAY!

Mixed Feelings

This meeting today was good. I felt good and encouraged.
But the girl sitting beside me totally misunderstood Orthodoxy and said it was "dead religion".
I wanted to just *gah* scream! but I know, she might not read it but I'm going to write a blog post (on my other blog "for 'in real life' friends) about icons just to give some more clarity on the subject to her... 'cause I felt hurt and actually kinda panicky. :(
My religion isn't dead. >:( grrr.
I'm actually kinda annoyed already... too many "it's not religion it's a relationship" and unknowingly just bashing the way I go to church really. It hurts.

Dang. :|

Matthew 6:34
Therefore, don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own problems.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you sad, O my soul? And why do you trouble me? Hope in God, for I will give thanks to Him; my God is the salvation of my countenance. 

Today I felt like it was “point out how terrible Emily’s communication skills are” day.
I don’t want to go into details… just random class occurrences that I just couldn’t keep up with. Anyways—of course these days make me feel very inadequate, pathetic, hopeless… on a never ending loop of destruction. It’s great to be me, right?
That was minimized to a degree with a little prayer journaling and looking up of verses. I still, however, feel like this issue always comes up and I never really have a solution for it. I prayed for guidance for solutions and opportunities. I just really want some sort of opportunity. I’m most days alone-ish, have 16 school hours, and my problem directly conflicts with opportunities a lot of the time.  :( I’m overwhelmed! gahh!

Encounter 2011!

This weekend, I ENCOUNTERed God. I also ENCOUNTERed His healing… Hearing all of these people… with similar(ish) stories… It puts things into perspective. I am glad to know you more. I am glad to know you, in general. You are amazing…

All of the crying… So worth it. I just felt like I was growing in understanding and changing my perspectives a lot.Thoughts on the weekend:

-When you judge someone, you expect them to do it again, or label them with the sin (all the same thing)… when they receive that judgement they can expect the same thing and judge themselves… and judgement just makes a sin NEVER END because all of these self-fulfilling prophesies. I do not want ____to expect that they’ll ____ again! I don’t want to judge myself either! jhkjuhgh… Don’t corner yourself into sin!

-Also I REALLY learned that people honestly HONESTLY do care… Awesome panda fortune I got today!: accept the affections offered to you- they are sincere.

-I CAN talk. I CAN scream outside at the top of my lungs… and I can dance like a crazy girl in front of everyone…

-Bad things can be just what you needed to happen. Last night (Saturday) I had a little panic and just needed to sit next to someone… and then… WOW. I exploded. Then all that happened after that made me explode in a positive direction. (Talking, screaming, dancing for example).

-Ah… inner vows can die! haha. Right after the speech I knocked over my journal on the floor. and I thought immediately “I am going to do that again” haha.

-God is amazing. Few Examples (not an extensive list just two examples)… Us singing Amazing Grace after the baptisms when Janelle had said earlier I wish we would sing Amazing Grace… When Stacy came up to me this morning and said she had a vision last night that I was screaming outside… I WAS SCREAMING OUTSIDE LAST NIGHT!

-Forgive and free yourself…. do it.

-I am not defined by what people do to me.

-thinking back to explosions- That was my icebreaker dance move! sweeet!

-Laugh crying is awesome- I left for a minute to use the restroom… I was thinking of Dane Cook’s “Crying” and how he said it’s funny how we go look in the mirror and are rubbing our faces thinking “This is what I look like when I’m crying!” it made me giggle.

-Things can change. They can.

-I am NOT alone.

-I am loved.

I love you, you’re beautiful, and *hugs*