Really love this:
http://amyoscar.com/authenticity/i-dare-you-to-shine/
I also love the cleaning person who didn't take down my Operation Beautiful post-it.
It said: Hey there, beautiful. SMILE and have a great day!
I drew a sun. I don't have a camera (lost at the moment)... so no pic. :(
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Shaking
when people are talking to me... awkward. Though, gladly she was at the other sinks not looking my way (unless she saw me in the mirror--unlikely). I hope she keeps talking to me... at least keeps up with the 'good night' as she leaves. :\
On another subj/person: I feel guilty. They really shouldn't give me roommates... I have this power to make them NOT TALK--don't control this power, don't want it-- but it happens, all the time. Yeah, I know that I don't talk, either. Don't need to be told the obvious.
There goes fear again. Controlling me and taking me down.
On another subj/person: I feel guilty. They really shouldn't give me roommates... I have this power to make them NOT TALK--don't control this power, don't want it-- but it happens, all the time. Yeah, I know that I don't talk, either. Don't need to be told the obvious.
There goes fear again. Controlling me and taking me down.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Buildings
and offices. I hate going into them if I haven't done it loads of times already. GAH. My mom left blank what should have been zero's on a financial aid paper... so I have to go do it. :( No fun.
Monday, August 16, 2010
If you really knew me....
If you really knew me
(great show on mtv... made me feel sooo relaxed somehow... anyways.)
If you really knew me....
you'd know that I avoid social situations everyday because they're uncomfortable/scary/nerve racking/ANT triggers.
you'd know that I hated moving schools. but I also hated being (pretty much) a loner at the previous school.
you'd know that I think people don't want me to comment/message/email them.
you'd know that I don't often say thank you to people opening doors for me, you'd also know why (refer to first one)
you'd know that I think people don't really want me going over and hanging out with them
you'd know that I think I'm a waste of people's time
you'd know that I'm afraid of people knowing what's inside because they'd make fun of me... or not understand and shrug it off.
you'd know that I like my switchfoot channel on pandora... and my beethoven one.
you'd know that I really want to be close to my new roommate this semester, but I'm crazy afraid she won't bother with me... and I'll be too afraid to bother either.
you'd know that presentations scare the crap out of me... and I think I sound like a freaking idiot when I do them.
you'd know that I was so happy to have a dinner with friends on wednesdays... and a bit disappointed (but I get it.) when school/responsibilities (of others) deteriorated those plans.
you'd know that I'm scared I'll be socially anxious forever.
you'd know that I like to write but don't always have ideas... or like the ideas.
you'd know that I like to swim.. haha. who doesn't? (rhetorical question's answer: phobics and those who just don't know how +other reasons)
You'd know how funny I am... and how self conscious I get when I think I'm over doing it.
you'd know that right as I'm writing this... I do not know how to drive...
you'd know when I want to go into a room I've never been in before I try to wait until other people walk through the door first.
OR I nervously go to the entrance... but walk past it (no one is walking in) until I let myself just gooo in.
OR I go to it... but turn right around and don't bother to go in.
you'd know that my first best friend later told me we "weren't best friends!"
I first noticed how scared I was to talk when my friend got a new best friend and all of the sudden I wasn't talking... just laughing...
you'd know I watched all of the "lost" seasons. I wish mr. eko didn't dieee so early in us getting to know him.
you'd know that I'm getting self-conscious about the length of this.
you'd know the one^ made me laugh.
You'd know that I sometimes think I look ugly, but not always.
You'd know that I really like PURPLE. and have many purple shirts.
You'd know that like when it rains but when the lightning comes I'm sad- I can't go outside. :( [I like going outside when it rains]
You'd know I both hate it and like it when people say "I like how quiet you are"
You'd know I have so much fun going into epiphany mode.
anndd I have so much sorrow when negative thoughts tear epiphany mode to shreds.
You'd know that I'm really feeling good right now, and will maybe continue this another time.
Continued a little
You'd know I cried last night on the floor thinking how useless I am...
(great show on mtv... made me feel sooo relaxed somehow... anyways.)
If you really knew me....
you'd know that I avoid social situations everyday because they're uncomfortable/scary/nerve racking/ANT triggers.
you'd know that I hated moving schools. but I also hated being (pretty much) a loner at the previous school.
you'd know that I think people don't want me to comment/message/email them.
you'd know that I don't often say thank you to people opening doors for me, you'd also know why (refer to first one)
you'd know that I think people don't really want me going over and hanging out with them
you'd know that I think I'm a waste of people's time
you'd know that I'm afraid of people knowing what's inside because they'd make fun of me... or not understand and shrug it off.
you'd know that I like my switchfoot channel on pandora... and my beethoven one.
you'd know that I really want to be close to my new roommate this semester, but I'm crazy afraid she won't bother with me... and I'll be too afraid to bother either.
you'd know that presentations scare the crap out of me... and I think I sound like a freaking idiot when I do them.
you'd know that I was so happy to have a dinner with friends on wednesdays... and a bit disappointed (but I get it.) when school/responsibilities (of others) deteriorated those plans.
you'd know that I'm scared I'll be socially anxious forever.
you'd know that I like to write but don't always have ideas... or like the ideas.
you'd know that I like to swim.. haha. who doesn't? (rhetorical question's answer: phobics and those who just don't know how +other reasons)
You'd know how funny I am... and how self conscious I get when I think I'm over doing it.
you'd know that right as I'm writing this... I do not know how to drive...
you'd know when I want to go into a room I've never been in before I try to wait until other people walk through the door first.
OR I nervously go to the entrance... but walk past it (no one is walking in) until I let myself just gooo in.
OR I go to it... but turn right around and don't bother to go in.
you'd know that my first best friend later told me we "weren't best friends!"
I first noticed how scared I was to talk when my friend got a new best friend and all of the sudden I wasn't talking... just laughing...
you'd know I watched all of the "lost" seasons. I wish mr. eko didn't dieee so early in us getting to know him.
you'd know that I'm getting self-conscious about the length of this.
you'd know the one^ made me laugh.
You'd know that I sometimes think I look ugly, but not always.
You'd know that I really like PURPLE. and have many purple shirts.
You'd know that like when it rains but when the lightning comes I'm sad- I can't go outside. :( [I like going outside when it rains]
You'd know I both hate it and like it when people say "I like how quiet you are"
You'd know I have so much fun going into epiphany mode.
anndd I have so much sorrow when negative thoughts tear epiphany mode to shreds.
You'd know that I'm really feeling good right now, and will maybe continue this another time.
Continued a little
You'd know I cried last night on the floor thinking how useless I am...
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Frustration
Having nothing to do is making me crazy. I have a funny patience. I'll get really frustrated and lose my patience, but it will be almost time for the wait to be over... It's almost school time.. the 25th and I'm angry now. I'm exhausted now. I'm feeling alone.... Very isolated. :( crying.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Soothing music and freakouts.
Well, I got to thinking of a friend... I got stuck on my usual thought. That friends only want to be friends with me to have some sort of charity work. Okay, Is that true, and if that's true is it bad? Is it bad? That someone wants to help someone? No. The desire to help someone shouldn't be stigmatized. Anyways, is it true? No. Because they tend to say I'm funny once I get comfortable with someone. That they're getting more out of it than I'm giving myself credit for. That I'm a good friend. mostly. :) I'm not a burden. Dude, I've so done "The Work" on this. I should probably reread. :P
So, I think my freakout was totally mellowed out by my "soothing waters" pandora station. It could've gone farther. I could've started crying. Seriously. My head just needs to calm down a bit more though.
So, I think my freakout was totally mellowed out by my "soothing waters" pandora station. It could've gone farther. I could've started crying. Seriously. My head just needs to calm down a bit more though.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The Other People
I'm tired of talking to people that don't have my problem about my problem. I know in some way they could understand. sortaaa. Because people get nervous around new people just like I do. But they don't have that story "I just can't meet someone and expect to not be nervous" or "I get so nervous it's impossible to speak!"(<--and if I try when I get to that point I'll just sound like an idiot.) They just say stuff like "just do it. you'll be fine. you won't be nervous." What I don't tell most of them is that I didn't really speak at all to my roommates (I had two in one year-first one switched out jan and I had a foriegn e.s.). I was afraid to say the words "can I turn off the light?" Or "could you please turn off your tv?" Or.. "you wanna play a game?" and other shenanigans I do. Avoidance is my middle name, because I don't want to feel that anxiety.
It's just hard. GAHH. I can't (hahaha :P) articulate how I feel when I want to.
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